We’re heading to another Bank Holiday Weekend where most of the people are looking forward to a long weekend spent enjoying all the world has to offer, to me it causes more dread than excitement. Firstly there is the odd offer to go somewhere, which you have to find an excuse not to do, you just say yes and then have to explain politely why you didn’t make it afterwards. Then if there isn’t one you have the trauma of three days at home, watching the same four walls and wondering how you will occupy the next 15 minutes without feeling totally rejected and forgotten by everyone, but that was the plan wasn’t it!
It’s bad enough on most normal weekends, 48 hours of my own company is now about 47 too many but it does mean I’ll be free of my Social Anxiety for those hours. It also means my depression will kick in and the battle will continue until some time about 1 am on the Sunday night, when I finally retire to bed feeling guilty that I’ve wasted another weekend, sad that I have to go to work in the morning, grateful that I have to go to work in the morning and depressed that once again I’ve not managed to beat the cycle, and then comes the anxiety that I will have to leave my safe haven in the morning to travel to work. Once again it’s going to be a sleepless night.
Since joining the Leading Light Group my weekends have been much better, with the social get togethers and other events I have found I have at least something to aim at, something that I may dislike doing but if it means helping breaking the cycle and in the process making some new friends then it is all worth my while.
I honestly don’t think that people that don’t have Social Anxiety, Shyness or Depression could ever relate to what I’ve just written, and I wouldn’t blame them, weekends are times to let rip, be free, do as you wish, be your true self. Being Socially Anxious/Shy means you temper that and put it away, you don’t ever, you can watch it and enjoy others, on the times you actually attend things, but unless you have a beer or three you don’t, and I don’t want just to be a beer player, I want to enjoy the things myself without that. If I always have to have a beer is it me? Or Beer Me? Can I operate without one, or it that my walking stick? How many makes me funny, and how many makes me embarrassing? Without question I have had some really nice nights out, the shame being is that I was too drunk to remember any of them, but others did and will remember me dancing on a table or going to help behind a bar or dressing up in make up! All these stories are true but sadly I only remember bits and pieces and mostly not good, just me feeling like a complete idiot and I’ve lost a lot of friends or potential friends by just hiding away after a rather shameful night!
Back to this weekend, which was of course the whole point of this blog, yes I’m still dreading it, but I know I have some outlets. No nothing I can attend is planned, but I can still visit the site and post an message or two. I’ve gotten to know a couple of the people really well and could always have a chat, I can always email one or two of them just to ‘get it off my chest’. I know it’s not perfect, but I know these people understand, they’ve been there, and nothing but nothing is to silly for them. They have all been there and have their own stories, and understand what I am going through, and even if they can’t understand directly they have their own stories and know we’re not alone.
So I’m now not dreading the Bank Holiday too much now, you have no need to either, take that first step, yes it’s the hardest or second hardest, the first was when you knew you suffered from Social Anxiety, Shyness, or Depression, and you decided to do something about it.
All the best
Rockman
