New York Times: Bullying and Social Anxiety

[Thanks to @toddkashdan for sharing this great article via Twitter.]

"Maybe Bullies Just Want to Be Loved?"

Dr Todd Kashdan and Dr Patrick E. McKnight, Psychologists at George Mason University discovered a link between bullying and social anxiety and also found that obese children were more likely to be bullied regardless of race, gender, religion, resulting in increased levels of anxiety and depression.

My own reflection relating to this article explains an awful lot about how I behaved during my school years. At the age of 11 I weighed a hefty 14 stone, I was about 5 foot 4 inches tall and has a gigantic 40 inch waist. I loathed every inch of my being (I was a shy yet happy child going through primary school, I felt safe within the confides of the old Victorian building).

I had a permanent sick feeling in my stomach walking to and from school, I was waiting to get taunted or attacked by bullies so I kept my self to my self. One boy said to me on the way home from school “I’m going to cut off your tits and cook them as hamburgers“ I felt totally overwhelmed with fear, it engulfed my whole body, I just shuffled along with my head down, hands in my pockets, hoping that he would leave me alone.

Every single morning without fail I got bullied by a couple of boys in my tutor group, one of them was called Daniel. I sat down of a morning and began to sweat with anticipation that he would verbally abuse me. He would often point out to me that I was sweating, which made me so much more anxious. When the register was read out by our form tutor, I dreaded answering my name, Daniel would mimic my voice and some of the class would laugh. Looking back, this particular reoccurring incident was fundamental in my decreasing self-esteem the way I felt about my voice.

I felt stuck in this “victim” mind set for the whole of the first one and a half years at secondary school, I guess it’s hard for a lot of people, new surroundings, teachers and new people.

Then it all changed, I grew to 6 foot, lost a stone in weight, my waistline shrunk 6 inches. Even though fundamentally I felt scared and anxious all the time, I began to be a bit more cocky. I put on a front of  ”tough guy” so I would get noticed, I felt like a nobody for the first 18 months of secondary school so now was my turn to be a bully.

I wouldn’t say that I was bully in the usual sense of the word, I never hurt any one physically or emotionally who was weaker or smaller than me. I was after the big guys in my year, I wanted to be the toughest boy in the year so I started getting into fights with some of the other “tough guys”.

I started going to under 18′s club nights with my friends also known as “Nappy Nights”. I got my first ever kiss there at the age of 14. I felt great, I felt like I was one of the cool kids at last, but on one occasion I remember leaving the night club and I got attacked by a group of kids, one of them punched by in the back on the head, I felt like crying, I guess from that moment I felt like the fat, short, ugly kid from a couple of years ago, I just wanted to be hugged by my mum.

It goes to show that there is so much more than meets the eye, with my armour on, teachers really didn’t know what was going on inside, I was a extremely shy, socially anxious child who just wanted to be loved, but was damned if he’d ever share it with any one, especially teachers, as that would be incredibly sad!

Check it out The New York Times Bullying and Social Anxiety Article

Buy Todd Kashdan’s Book entitled: Curious?: Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life

Steve Light

Leading Light